I dont really know what to do anymore.

tears leak out of my eyes more often than they should because i dont feel like im worth it to you.

It hurts because your so worth it to me.

Its those times where i realize that if i asked you what i meant to you, i know you wouldnt really know what to say..

the sad thing is, that i would know exactly what to say.

thats the thing. Im so… willing to do just about anything for you. As much as i hate, and i mean HATE it, ive come to terms that we wont last forever. Ive desensitized myself to this.

these are the times i was philophobic to begin with. fuck you.

but i know you dont want to hear them.

After a while, you say that it gets pointless… meaningless.

But what about when i do hold you? After the hundredth time does that get meaningless too?

And how could a desire that comes from nothing but the heart ever be something but meaningful?

I do love you. I do want to hold you. I want to cherish you. I want nothing more than you. You are my escape from this goddamn workaholic life that i lead. Your the only thing i really look forward to, honestly. I want to cherish you because i am scared that we really wont have forever. Its like i am soaking you up in fear you will leave and i wont be able to anymore. I dont want to take anything about you for granted.

Im sorry you get sick of my sweetness. I dont understand it… Because if you said things like that to me, i would be all smiles. but i guess there is nothing to do but accept it. When i think why you dont like such things it makes my mind into a jumble. Its not meaningless, its not. I say it because i mean it. Because my body, mind, and soul ache for you. I cant hide it. I love you. I adore you. I do i do i do.

Please understand that when i sweet talk you its not just words. Never just words. Its my emotions and wants, my desires for that very moment. I love you.

you love me.
i love you.
and ive always been there to dry your tears
sometimes i need you to dry mine, too.
no one else has that capability
because i dont show anyone else my vulnerability
but dont judge me
when i come to you
im ashamed, its true
im not brave unless i have to.

so when i come with tears in my eyes
and i took off all of my disguise
dont be dissapointed in the way i feel
or get angry for my being real

just hold me like you know you should
you know it would help, you KNOW it would.
but you take it way too personally
when im upset at things because of me
you feel like im bitter with you
thats not true, thats not fucking true.




i actually fucking hate saying this, but this whole ordeal just reminds me of the time i fought with my dad, i called jonah and he did not give a FUCK. I called my best friend emmet and he cheered me up. He made me feel better about myself and reminded me to look on the sunny side. Jonah is more of a “Oh that sucks” kind of guy. ACtually not even.
Ill say something. He will look at me for a few seconds and then bring up another subject. Ive told him countless times that when i bring something up, its obviously for a reason. Im sick of feeling like i have no one to turn to when things get rough. He calls me childish. He thinks my reasons for getting upset or hurt are stupid. But he doesnt even know my reasons. He thinks he does. But he doesnt really know, because i dont really get in to it anymore.„ because je shows no interest in talking about it, even when he knows that i am really hurting. Really feeling left out. Really feeling down. Really feeling inadequate. He takes the blame on himself because he takes it so damn personally. But its hardly ever even ab out him. And even though he thinks he did something wrong (when, like i said, he didnt and ive explained that i am upset for an entirely different reason) then he just still gets mad. mad at himself. Hes told me before he gets angry at himself when im sad. But then why take it out on me? obviously that would just give him more reasons to be mad at himself since id feel even worse.

Its so fucking stupid. When i try to be really open and honest about things and i come admit something is bothering me, or hurting me, he is NEVER there for me. Ever. And its stupid because if he ever read this he would be so pissed. But i am starting to get pissed. Because i get sad at inconvienient times for him. He could call me at fucking 4 in the morning crying, and you know what? Id fucking drive over to him.I really would.  Its obvious that he wouldnt do the same. He cant e ven have a ten minute conversation with me when he is sort of sleepy, or when he feels like doing something else. Because its inconvienent for him.
But you know what? Being there for someone means that you actually need to be there, figurativly or not. And he isnt. Like i said, he just will fucking stare blankly and either change the subject or get mad at me. Its bullshit and i am getting so fed up with it. I need someone to be there for me, someone im comforatble with. And right now, he is the only person i actually feel comfortable going to things with. But its changing. Because i am giving the fuck up. As much as i dont want to give up, i am. Because why wouldnt i? Why would i keep trying to reach out for him for help or love when im down (which i promise, really isnt that often) when 99.9% percet of the time i get the same reaction. You know, the only time he actually comforted me was when i lost my dog. I am just saying.
He really is a wonderful boyfriend, and a wonderful person. He is a great guy. I just need him to be there for me when i need him. Even for a little. Even just a hug.

Once he asked me “What do you want me to do about your problems heidi? What the hell can i do?!” and i looked at him and i said “Comfort me” and he just continued on, sitting there.

fuck.

i could make you happy make your dreams come true
if i still even wanted you
before there was nothing that i wouldnt do
to make you feel my love

the storm is raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret
i had no idea when we met
how cruel your eyes could be

i know you havnt made up your mind yet
because you never can

i hate it when you smoke pot around me.
cant you have more respect for me to atleast not do it around me?

you know i dont like it, hardly like you, when you are altered like that.

I hope you get your flight tomorrow. Its such a tease to my heart not knowing… I love you so much. Ive missed you so much and i still miss you more than ever.