i should have never asked you what you wanted from me
it only made you realize what you didnt want.
me in general.
big fucking deal.
You know, i hate you. i hate you. I hate your stupid white truck and whenever i see one i always look in the window to see if its you. I hate your smile and your scruff and gravel roads. I hate diet pepsi and suckers and that you really made me feel like you liked me when you never did.
I feel heartbroken.
you dont care about me at all and its so fucking obvious. seriously, what the hell?
You blow me off all the time and im just fed up. you never call, you ditch plans… its not fair. you are obviously just not into me like you say you are and i dont care what your excuse is, you dont just do shit to people.
I think the whole “Im just scared” thing is such an act you are putting on. If you wanted me, you could have me. Ive made that clear in how i want to talk to you, how i put myself out there… how i kiss you and hug you and tell you i miss you. What the fuck changed? Its like you randomly lost interest.
I told you that if you were really scared then you either needed to get over it or you needed to just stop talking to me. I asked you right out what you were thinking and its really weird that you lied about it when you didnt even get anything out of it. Why keep going with it, then? Maybe if you kept lying so you could fuck me, sure, id get it. You’d be a real asshole but i wouldnt be left confused. But no, you just lied to me for fun i suppose. I dont understand? And i cant even ask you because you are so impossible to get ahold of and also you are apparently a liar, so why believe you anyways.
Yes, yesterday was your 21st birthday. I get you wanted to go out and have a good time, of course you would! But you practically begged me to make plans with you that day so i did. I was so ecxited, i curled my hair, got you a present, everything. Everything i could think of to make things perfect when you saw me. But no… You just ditched me in the worse way. You could have told me you were going to get an early start with your buddies, its your 21st i would have understood. Id appreciate that you would have told me.
But instead you ignored my calls and texts and ended up drunk dialing me at about 1 am to confess your ‘love’ for me. I cried, a lot. Lol. It sucked because you were telling me everything i wanted to hear but i couldnt believe you. How could i? You were completely hammered AND you have done nothing to prove anything like that. Im not a stupid girl, im pretty fucking smart, and though i wished you were saying those things to me and meaning it, i knew you wernt. You got lonely later that night, didnt you? What, you are a sad drunk? You call me before bed when your all alone and you finally remember that i exist? What, you try to make it up to me thinking that if you told me all those things that id forgive you and we could continue on this fucked up thing? Uh, no. Im sick of staring at my phone praying that you will call, im sick of wondering what you are thinking, im sick of being lied to and led on and i dont appreciate you drunk dialing me. God, you were wasted. You werent even making sense. I told you i felt like your leadind me on and youd reply “Nope, nuuh you are leading me on…. i love you, i love you heidi, you are special, why are you lying to me?” and id sit there and wonder what the fuck you meant. Lying to you? what?! And i know you wont remember a damn thing about our conversation, but if you do, i hope you remember me standing up for myself, i hope you remember just how mad i was, and i hope if you only remember a few words that those words were when i told you to leave me alone.
I just cant believe how unreliable you ended up being. I cant believe how i feel heartbroken over this.
Sad part is, If you were to call me and apologize your ass off sober, im not sure if i would give you another chance. Its a pathetic possibility that i would. Im furious at myself, and i should have seen the signs long ago. Its just hard to tell yourself that “hes just not into you, he doesnt actually care” when you have real, genuine feelings for the person. He led me on for a month now and allowed me to attatch myself. He allowed me to get hopeful and then one day turned it around and left me so confused with no explanations or awnsers. Its scares me, because now im afraid of getting close with anyone. They’ll probably do the same. They’ll start off really liking me and then the next day change they’re mind when they realize that im not that special afterall.
I just want this tinge of pain in my heart to go away. i feel like i havent felt this pathetic since like 9th grade. It sucks. Liking people sucks.
So, heidi, when you read back on this someday, i want you to remember this story right here. I want you to remember just why you are a philophobic. Even if someone comes along and sweeps you off your goddamn feet… remember that others have done just that and changed their minds. trust no one, never ever let yourself get too attatched or too hopeful. Fuck people. fuck them.
Im giving up on you. You obviously just dont care do you? You say you call and you never do.
You say you miss me but you never show it
i cant even get a hold of you ever to tell you to not bother anymore… not like you even do. Im sick of this shit. I went through enough shit in my last relationship and i dont need it from anyone else… especially when there are plenty of other people out there that want to see me and talk to me. I got asked out on THREE dates today. real dates. Boys who are trying to come to me, talk to me, make an effort. So why do i like the one who doesnt give a shit? its awful.
I dont blame him for not caring, i mean, im not that special but its just really fricking annoying not knowing whats going on in his head. I bought him a birthday present today and got all cute and put in all this effort and he didnt even call me like he said he would so we could hang out. like hello, i work at 10 pm, i dont exactly have all night here.
Fuck this, fuck you. Guess im left with a case of diet pepsi, 24 tootsie pops and a 10 dollar subway gift card.
But the point of this blog isnt about him. Its about my fear of love.
which is something im deathly afraid of.
What is wrong with me? honestly.
Why do i fall for these people for a long, long time… for so long i am just wild about them, crazy about them. Id go to the ends of the earth for them. Id do anything to make them smile and im honestly one of the most thoughtful people in relationships i think ive ever known. I know how much the little things mean… thats why.
And then i wake up one morning… and though i still love them so much as people… all of a sudden im not ‘in love’ with them anymore. its fucked up.
I was in the best realtionship in the entire universe for 2 and a half years. All of a sudden, within about a month… i stopped caring.
Do i push myself away or was i never in love? what is wrong with me?
It makes me fearful of love for 2 reasons.
1. This will always happen to me no matter how crazy i am about the person. whether its right away to a few years down the road, one day ill wake up and not want to be with them anymore.
2. It will turn around on me and the person that i could honestly love forever will wake up one morning and not care about me.
That is why i am philiphobic.
That is why i dont know if i will ever believe in true love.
You left me. Again. For the third time.
This time i didnt let you take it back.
Why?
Because i do not deserve that over and over. I dont deserve to be in fear, and on the drive home, i realized that its probably for the best. I had a wonderfufl year and a half with you and im going to miss you unlike ive missed anyone else. You are a beautiful person…… you are the one. Just not the one for me. For someone else, you are the one.
We were not working out and your abrupt breakup with me clarifyed that. We shouldnt have to try so damn hard to be with eachother. We shouldnt have to try all the time. We shouldnt be scared of eachother constantly. We are… we are always walking on eggshells and its sick. Both of us…. that isnt right. I never wanted to make you feel that way and i know you didnt mean to either, but somehow after all the fights and the tears, thats exactly what happened.
I knew this was coming since you lied to me. Since you put drugs first. Since i became #2 in your life. Since being high was more important than my feelings. Thats mainly where you screwed up.
I didnt care about the lack of romance anymore. I am still used to no romance right now, and i have whole heartedly denied ‘real’ dates because i feel like they are weird for some reason. I dont let people pay for me, and i actually like it. You taught me a lot of independance and that relationships do not need a ‘provider’… no one should provide for the other person, they should just help eachother through life. Not have to pay for their subway sandwich.
But i did learn that sitting on a couch everytime i saw you grew kind of tired and that we should have tried to go out more. I always wanted to. I should have made that more known if i didnt.
I wasnt perfect, i know, there was the thing with emmet. Yes yes, you would bring it up once a month and i think that was really a drag on us…. you couldnt leave it in the past and you used it against me whenver you screwed up to cover your own ass. It wasnt fair! Do you know how hard i tried to fix that? i spent a year of my life doing everything i could to make it up to you. I was a desperate lunatic crazy in love person with you but now im not…. and its because this series of unfortunate events that we went through. now, we had absolutely wonderful times. just beautiful times together. happy, happy times. because when it was good, it was really good. but when it was bad… it was really, really bad.
I wish for a lot of things. I wish emmet never happened. I wish you never started using and making me feel unimportant. I wish that i didnt hold some bitterness about our one year anniversary. I wish we thought of ‘pickles’ long before we did. I wish the whole “See how a man treats his mother and thats how he will treat you” thing wasnt one of the truest things ever. I wish we could have lasted… but you know it wasnt meant to be. I know you will be happy again.
Just please never ever doubt how much i loved you. You were loved. You are loved. You are worth loving. You are worth fighting for.
But i.. im worth trying to find someone i wont have to fight for. someone who maybe would fight for me.
Why? Seriously, your priorities have changed so much. You used to have these goals. I love that about you. You knew exactly what you wanted out of life and you were so ready to go and make it happen. You loved so much more. You played guitar, piano, you made music. You wrote, you wanted to be a music teacher, anything with music. You were so interested in collage, you would get something in the mail and you’d rush to show me. I’d stay over on school nights and you’d get up and go right away. Now? now you dont bother. You shut off that alarm and you wake up at 3 pm and you smoke a bowl so you dont feel bad about it anymore. what has this shit done to you? It started off so small, you would smoke here and there, usually marijuana. Now you are smoking so much of that synthetic shit. I have to write about it on here because when ever i mention it you get angry, you tell me im acting like i am your mother. You tell me its too complicated for me to understand. You yell, you swear, you freak out because i brought it up. You are ruining you’re life and you are ruining us. We didnt fight hardly ever before you started using drugs all the time. You promised me for a day you wouldnt do it. You promised, and then you snuck off behind my back and you did it anyways. You thought i wouldnt notice, but i did. And i cried. and you didnt care. You put it first, always. You care more about getting high then you do about the promises you make or how it makes me feel. It kills me, and its killing you. Its 2 pm on a Monday and you’re phone is still off and you are most likely still in bed. You are ruining your life and you smoke to feel better about it. Just wake the fuck up. you have 2 more months of highschool. Just do it. Just go get it done. It wont last forever, but the side effects, not just physically, but how your life is going to play out if you keep this up… they will last forever. You are going to loose everything. Everything. You’ve already lost your ambition, its so easy to tell. You lost your goals and your dreams, you have lost so much of your future… and if you keep putting this first you are going to loose me. You are so addicted. So addicted. You cant go a fucking day without it. Every time you offer i say no. Stop offering. I know it cant be easy for you to just up and quit, but what if you dont? what if you dont quit? Will it be worth the trade? 20 minutes of being high multiple times a day… will that be worth loosing everything you’ve worked for your whole life?
I understand that im not very special. Im something moderatly pretty to look at, i mean, i suppose im not that big of an embarassment. Im not very smart, im clingy, im all these horrible things, arnt i? I know i am. Im not the most intellectual person anymore. Not the most talented. Actually, not talented at all.
I feel like so much of me has been stripped away by work, stress, and you. I dont have time to think. I dont get to be upset, i dont get to question anything. I dont get to debate my thoughts, i dont get to do anything but either sit at home and sit at work.
So i get why you’d never want to end up with a girl like me.
Theres a lot better girls out there than me. mediocre. average. Im just there. A warm body at night. Someone to make you feel less alone. Sometimes i feel thats all im good for.
I hate that i used to not believe in love. Because i do now and it sucks.
Thats all i can do, thats what i feel i SHOULD do. I should drop it when you do things that upset me as to not piss you off.
I know it doesnt make sense, but thats kind of how emotionally… abusive? our relationship is. Not abusive in a harsh way, but you’ve somehow manipulated me to be a certain way, to feel a certain way, and the thing is, you didnt even try to.
You justify your mistakes by drugs, i cant tell you anything constructive without you going “OKAY MOM” and you broke up with me because i told you to grow up.
Guess what, you do need to.
Im a woman, i need a man. Not a male who acts like a little child at times.
I need you to own up to your mistakes, not just get mad at me when i dont understand or forgive you the very instant that you fuck up.
What has even happened to you? Going to Fbo to beat some guy up for stealing your ipad when he didnt even steal it? you had no proof and you even went with airsoft guns, dont be stupid, you could do jailtime for that. God, think about things for pete’s sake.
I have to write it down here because if i told you that you would scream at me for it. And id cry, then you would get mad at me for being upset that you screamed at me.
Its a fun little circle. You need to be more clear. Dont expect me to read your mind with things. Dont tell me “ask S, he was there, he can vouche for me” Come on, i heard you say what you said, i dont need to hear it again from your friends.
I know youdumped me for this, but please, please grow up, im begging you. I feel like im in love with someone that im 10 years older than. Sometimes its unbearable because i dont understand how you DONT understand.. when i make things so clear. I spell it out for you countless times and you fail to get the message every time. It makes me feel like you dont care, like you dont pay attention. You said you’d try harder, but im not seeing the effort.