So im a philophobic.
I’ve come to terms with this.
I think most of us humans are anyways. We’re not the most passive species, you know. If we think we may be put in danger, we usually run for the hills.
I guess you can say, its hard not to run right now.
Its hard not to call my best guy friend, the craziest kid i know, and say “Lets go to new york. Now. Lets just go!”
Because i know he would. We could be out of here in a week! But i wont.
Im going to be tough about this. Im not going to be a fucking coward. I will not run away from this, because i know that no matter what the outcome is, well. Its going to be damn worth it.
This boy.. hes getting a part of me that i promised id NEVER give away, ever again. Actually, giving it away isnt really the right word. He’s stealing it, and i can do nothing about it.
I feel like a child. I feel like the child who is just sitting in her house, watching a robber take her most prized possesion, unable to do anything, too scared to run, but she knows she shouldnt run, either.
Because if she runs, then its guarenteed she gets hurt.
But im scared and im still holding myself back. When i look into his eyes, i see so many beautiful things. Its hard to breathe. I feel like im on drugs. I feel crazy. I mean, i have to be crazy, why else would i be writing this?
Im scared.
I dont believe in love. I dont. I really dont. Now im just convincing myself, shit. Its not even working. Im kind of glad its not working.
This is scary.
How can i believe in love? It never lasts.
I only know one couple who has only ever loved eachother, and made it to the end of their time holding eachother’s hand.
Others? They’ve either lost love, even once before (Which is sad and horrible) before finding happiness, or they lost it alot, and they are alone, or they are settling for someone and not truely happy.
How can i beleive in love when ive only ever seen it fail all around me? when the parents ive grown up with are divorcing? When i see my mothers broken heart and my dad sitting in the television room with whiskey?
How can i? Im so young. He’s so young. Sometimes i wonder what the fuck im doing,
but..
when it comes down to it.. i wouldnt trade this in for anything. Not now. No fucking way. Even if i somehow got to see the future and there is a huge heartbreak on my end, i would stay. I have to stay. I found something.
He makes me feel something that i forgot even existed. Something that i never thought id see again, something that ive pushed away so many people because im scared.
I remember our first kiss, a little more than 3 months ago.
I was scared, and he didnt expect it. No way. And i remember the night before i was lying my bed, alone. And i was thinking “Your seeing him tomorrow, you are. Hes going to be at your party, so just try.” And i did.
I never told him this, but it was probably the scariest moment ever. I felt naked. I felt rejected even before i kissed him, just to prepare myself. But then something wonderful happened. He kissed me back. HE KISSED ME BACK.
The night was filled with.. i guess, pent up sexual frustration for eachother, in the form of extreme making out.
But, after was just…nice. It was nice laughing, joking, hugging, small kisses. I’ll never forget it.

You know, i wanted to get back with my ex. my mind wanted that. Not my heart.
It felt like the wise choice. But then after the first time J and i hung out, i knew i couldnt. The very first time. Just friends, 2 other friends along there too. Talking on my living room floor and wondering if he wanted to sit next to me as badly as i wanted him to.
I knew i would see him again, we’d become great friends. And i knew if i was with L i would just get myself into deep shit because id feel pain for J. Id want him. Secretly, but id still want him nontheless.

Now he’s mine. Or more like, i am his. Im his. I really really am. I dont care about others. I am not attracted to others. Not really.
Sure, i’ll make out with a hot girl at a party, but its for fun.
I wouldnt trade him in for fucking even like Jim Sturgis. Im not even kidding.

something else that scares me, and i think this is why im more scared than most people.. is that ive had love before.
I will never deny this. Ive felt this way before for someone else. It was different, the first 2 months i didnt even like the guy really, i was just lonely and young. (and look at me with this one! 2 months in and im writing blogs to confirm to myself that i wont fall in love because i know that i am and im scared!)
But after a while, i did feel this way.
I did.
I used to only want him, to want to ravish his body with mine. To want him around constantly. And its sad that i dont care anymore. Its scary because i know that it can happen, now. I know that people can fall out of love! So it freaks the shit out of me, because i dont want to break someone elses heart, and what if the person i love breaks mine?! huh? What then? I dont want to have my heart broken into a million little pieces. Not by him, especially.
Fuck no. And i already am so crazy about this boy, that it almost eats away at me.
So what about next month? Ill be even more crazy. and the next and the next? It freaks me out! But in a good way. Im enjoying this, cautiously.
I dont know, maybe if i had some reassurance.. of his feelings? not just something sweet (which i love hearing, too) But a real, honest, confession of how he feels for me… well, maybe then i wouldnt hold back anymore.. because to be honest its by a very small thread and its getting weaker by the day.
I want summer.
I want him and me and his guitar and summer.
I want long walks, i want the sunshine, i want the lilacs. I want to take him to that tree.
Shit, new rant.
What if i loose this house? What then? What about the lilacs and the tree and all the places i want to show him?
Why is it that when i think about loosing this house, he is my greatest concern? When i think of loosing the house, i think of all the things him and i cant do here. All the places i want to show him, i wouldnt be able to.
I really want to.
I need to.
Its part of me.


you know, though. Its scary.
I dont know if in a year he will want me.. i dont even know if in a year ill want him. All i know is that i want hi
m right now. Him and his brown eyes and hats and love for cats and that smile of his.
How we can talk for hours and still have more to say. How weird we are. Our golom impersonations and staged arguments, because we’ve never had a real one.
Waking up next to him on a school day, leaving at 6 am to bring me home so his mother doesnt find out. I hope he never stops blowing me kisses. I hope he never stops. I hope he never looses the note i wrote him, i hope he never is afraid to tell me how he feels. I hope he just has something against the word ‘beautiful’ or something.

The end.