I know you love me so much, and you know i love you too. But days like these are why im a philophobic, alright? I get scared and i over analyze things, and its seriously just not you.

In the begining i used to NEVER x out of his and my facebook coversations, id sit there and read them over and over again with a goofy smile until no text would show up. I just delete them now. No big deal. Its just little things like that..Can we just get back to how it was? It scares me, but deep down i KNOW it is winter. It tears us summer people apart.

so what, yeah, even if im not, i crave someone to listen to weird shit radio corny songs like Soul Sister or Rythm of Love and think of me.

Im NOT comparing him to him, i swear to god, but ive only had one person say this to me. “When you talk to me, or look at me, i just feel like.. dancing.. or writing songs or singing!”

Okay, i dont care about him, i care about JONAH, and i just wish i made him want to dance and sing and fucking like, frolic around or something. To want to smell flowers or pick me one and put it in my hair. Im such a hopeless romantic. It’ll be the death of me. I dont know. And i know its not something he can help, infact, its me. I believe that he loves me, i just dont believe that he is particularly crazy about me. I dont know. He doesnt tell me unless i somehow get it out of him, which takes basically an interrogation, and i feel pathetic, but its how i get reassurance, its how i keep believing. I know actions speak louder than words, but words still do a hell of a lot. I know he’s closed generally, but to be honest i hate that he is so closed. I want to be told shit like this, okay? Thats not a bad thing. I just want to be like… i want him to be crazy about me. I want to make him run to his phone when it rings because he hopes its me, or to check facebook to see if im online, or hell, even put corny statuses just to make me smile. I do those things, besides the status thing.. i dont want to embarass him. And i want to call him baby. I just dont know how. I get scared, i’ll think to and then when i try it doesnt come out.

When he and i were talking today, in the car. He sounded so sincere, saying things like “Itd be depressing if you left me, just knowing id never be happier with anyone else. You’re perfect for me. You’re perfect!” He didnt know this, but i actually teared up a little bit, just from happiness. I dont get told that. I mean, i didnt even know he felt that way. Things like that.. they give me such reassurance. And they just make me melt. Because He is perfect. He is. And i dont care who knows that i am so crazy in love with him that it actually hurts. But, take the pain out of love, and the love wont exist.

I basically just asked him because i know he stayed with his ex because “Why not? It didnt hurt to keep dating” And i DONT want that to be me. I want someone to be with me because they NEED to be. Thats how it is when you’re in love. You NEED to be with the person. Not just want, but need. I only want someone with me if they simply cant be without me. Thats not selfish. Thats how relationships are supposed to be, because trust me, im in love right now, and thats how i am. I cant not be with him. I love him.

He says i dont, but i still feel like maybe i bore him.. We used to be content gazing into eachothers eyes for an hour, and the sad thing is, that i still am. Maybe thats just what feels like the sad thing. Because if i was over that like he is, this wouldnt hurt. But he gets distracted now. Bored. “We cuddled earlier” You know? It sort of stings. Because im so content when we’re just laying next to each other and i just want to tell him how much i love him when we’re like that and kiss him, but eveidently he doesnt even.. think about that…

he doesnt seem to get that i wasnt just afraid of falling in love.. i am afraid of being in love. Im terrified of my current situation, its fucking scary. It is literally so scary, that i have to convince myself to not get pushed away, because i feel like my feelings are unrequited and it scares me more. i dont know what to do! God, i just neeed fucking reassurance. Thats it. I need to feel like someone is crazy in love with me, and i dont. Im so afraid of being in love. I love being in love, but i hate it. He has so much power and it makes me want to run away.
Its like… i know he shows it through his actions, and actions do speak louder than words but words still mean so much..
fuck, random boys i dont know say sweeter things to me. And its almost like i dont even back off from it. I never say anything nice back, but instead of telling them to back off, i let them say things to me because its really the only attention i get like that. I mean he’ll throw in the world beautiful, he’ll tell me im cute, but he never confesses… and i feel like maybe its because he has nothing to confess.

This isnt a fight. We calmly talked about through kisses. But its still on my mind. I feel bad, because he thinks he ‘screwed up’ but its not that! Its not a consious thing, and i know that. Its a thing of the heart, and “i love you’s you’re perfect” Well, they just come out. You dont have to think “I should say this because i havnt for a while” it should just happen! Thats how love is, it just happens, and you can not hold back things. They shouldnt be interrogated out of anyone. It should just happen. Sometimes i ask him about past relationships, not to compare, but in hopes he’ll say something sweet to me, to let me know…

You know that confession i mentioned would help me in the first post? I never got that. Ever.  I love him so much. I think it just hurts because i dont know anything about his love for me. maybe i dont need to, but with me.. i mean, im not just afraid of falling in love, im afraid of being in love, and its a struggle to not push myself away as a defense mechanism. I need help……..