You dont know how much i hate it that we fight a lot now,

You dont understand how much you mean to me, boy.  You really dont.

You get so mad, though. So, so mad. And I know its my fault. I should keep my mouth shut about things that make me sad that you do. I know that when i mention them it seems like a guilt trip and you feel bad, but i dont know how to not mention them. They eat away at me until i do. 

Please understand that.

Also, i had a dream about you last night. I’ve never felt so fucking sick when i woke up. You kissed Justine, and… You were kissing her, kissing Julie. In the dream you two were a thing secretely. You ‘broke up’ with her by the time i found out, but it was too late for me. I think it ended up being her because she has gone through everyone else, and your basically the only one left. Also, because of the massage-y leg touch-y thing she pulled on you when you were thinking about breaking up with me. Honestly, when she did that it sent me over the edge. You know that im not uncomfortable with you being friends with girls. You know im not. But she makes me uncomfortable because she has edged her way in to everyone else. Somehow, she has her way, some weird tactic of how to suck people in, and i just dont even want her to TRY to do it to you.

I want to badly to be like we used to. Just happiness, no fighting. No crying. No getting mad. No getting sad. Just being happy. But, it seems these days our happiness cant come with an equal amount of strife later. We fight so much. I know you are stressed. But, darling you need to tell me things like that. You cant just say its ‘nothing’ or else i’ll believe it. Because right now im getting so pushed away, and i cant handle it. Thats what happened last relationship i had. They were not honest with me and they pushed me away so much that after a while, i was pushed so far that we were not even an ‘us’ anymore. I dont want that to happen, and im scared. Im so glad that you ran after me when i stormed out. Thank you. Or else i would have just left. Im not sure when i would have tried to get a hold of you, again. I think id probably wait until you tried.

You know, i was NEVER mad that they came over. That wasnt my point when i mentioned it, but thats how you took it. You took it as that i was upset at you for invitin them. No, that wasnt it. I just wanted you to know that even though i had an awesome time when they were here, i would have loved it even more if i got that one full time of it just being you and me. No one else. No one else we have to put focus on. All the focus on eachother. happy, content in eachothers arms, not having to worry about being hospitiable, just having to worry about being lovers. I wanted that one day with you, because those days do not happen. I love hanging otu with everyone else, but i need those times so much. At least sometimes. Like maybe 1 out of every 5 or 6 times that it is just us, that would be nice. Because it was so incredibly fun with you yesterday. We were laughing and flirtin like we havnt in a long time. Cant you see that we need some time alone? But when i try to mention it you think that im upset that we hang out with others, or that i dont ever like it. I ALWAYS like it, but sometimes, once in a while, id like it more if it was just you and me.

Because i love you. And i want to put all my attention on you. And maybe it is selfish, but i want you to put all of your attention on me, sometimes too.

You have no idea how sick i still am from that dream. My heart feels so incredibly heavy. I know it wasnt real, but dreams like that make me realize how empty id feel if i didnt have you. It kills me to imaine you not being mine. To imagine those beautiful lips on someone else’s. To imagine them smiling at another girl’s eyes. To imagine that body wanting someone elses. To imagine those hands who have created so many things i love, to be holding someone elses hands. To imagine them running through someone elses hair.

Im so yours. Id rather have you than anyone.. I just want to hold you right now and nuzzle my face into your neck and not talk about anything but to just lay there and think about how much i adore you.